Discipline-and punish?

So this week's warm-up question for the Civil War was as follows: You are a parent, and your child has run away from home. When they are returned do you (a) punish them to make sure they know what they did was wrong or (b) accept them back with a promise that they will never do it again. it's such a fun discussion, because everyone has an opinion and some feel very strongly about it. kids always want to know what I would do.

and....you know I'm going with (b). I refuse to be made to feel bad about it. The next day, as I was off campus going to get lunch, I overheard a radio program with some guy talking about how spanking is so bad and how it is so damaging psychologically. I started yelling at the radio. Then I called the Chef and he was also listening to the radio and yelling at it. That made me feel better!

Because this is the paradox. On most issues (economic, social, political), I am exceedingly liberal. I support the rights of my LGBT brothers and sisters to marry the person they love. I am a Christian, but it is absolutely okay to me if you are not. I have never voted Republican. I believe in social justice. I am a feminist. and at the same time, I am resolutely old-fashioned when it comes to disciplining my kids and in my own classroom. I see too many parents who are trying to be their kids' friend. I see too many that let the kids rule the roost, only to discover when their kid reaches high school and starts to get into trouble, they their kid does not respect them. Kids are smart, and will figure out instantly if a parent is being inconsistent, or if they won't follow through.

I sympathize with these parents, I really do. Fundamentally, being a good parent is REALLY HARD! There are times when I'd just like to go the easy route; to give in to their demands or to just ignore inconvenient behavior. While in the short-term this is easier, in the long-term, the consequences are more serious. Good parenting and good discipline begin when the kids are TINY. It continues up through high school and college. In many ways, I suppose, it is never ending.

I am not trying to be my child's friend. I am not trying to negotiate with them, or explain my reasoning. In my opinion, the answer "because I am the mommy and I said so," is frequently acceptable. I don't have to explain everything. I am the grown-up. I have the Daddy backing me up. When you are an adult and can pay your own bills, then you can be in charge. Until then, I am the boss. Sounds draconian, doesn't it?

It works the same way in my classroom. With 36 students in my classroom, I don't have the time or energy to debate every directive with every student. If I tell you to change seats or to stop talking while I'm talking (which I find hugely disrespectful and profoundly irritating), I'm not going to debate it with you. I am not particularly concerned with your opinion at the moment. You'll do it because I am the teacher and because I said so.

Of course, I am not perfect, and I do make mistakes. I do tell my students that if decision of mine really bothers them, then they should talk to me after class, privately, and I'll willingly listen to what they have to say. Challenging me in front of the class, however, is always unacceptable and pretty much automatically results in an immediate trip to the detention hall. I will not stand for disrespect.

When I was a kid, my mom had a paddle in the kitchen that was inscribed with the phrase "for use on little Texans," ie, me! I think my mother would probably agree that she only had to use it on me a handful of times. Most of the time, she could keep me in line with her eyes (the stare of death), or with even the threat of using that paddle. She didn't actually have to paddle me. I knew it was there, I knew she would use it if necessary, and that knowledge alone pretty much kept me in check. I didn't suffer because I was spanked or paddled. I grew up with the knowledge that I had boundaries, and those boundaries were there for a reason. I still absolutely love and respect my parents. I see how some of my students talk to their parents, and I am horrified.

I see, every day, the results of parents who don't set boundaries for their kids. By the time they reach high school, and parents belatedly realize that maybe they should've been a little tougher with the discipline, it's too late. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. I think a lot of high school teachers would agree with me. Maybe I am an ogre who is doing irreparable harm to her children and students. That's the way I feel every time someone comes on the radio talking about "time outs" and other more "modern" forms of discipline. I suppose that in this case, I am more conservative. And that feels profoundly strange!

Plus, I am also thankful that I found a wonderful man who is perhaps even more liberal than I am (is that possible?), but who is also conservative when it comes to discipline. Maybe it is because we are both children of immigrants? Whatever the case, we make a good team. My parents definitely "have my back on this." So yeah, I spank my kids. and I'm not apologizing for it.